Sometimes the ones we love the most do not know how we truly feel about them until we tell them. It seems simple enough. Saying things like please, thank you, and you're welcome are good manners. Telling someone you love them is kind and can be reassuring. But, lately it has occurred to me that I do not tell my husband how important he is to me and our family. This week I found out how powerful verbally expressing my appreciation for my husband is.
Paul is my best friend. He is the strength in our marriage. He has muscles and he can lift heavy things. He knows how to fix almost anything. He thinks through things much quicker than I and he has really good ideas. He gets up very early every single morning Monday through Friday and goes to work. He does not ever complain about having to work so hard and drive so far to and from work (1 hour and 15 minutes one way). He is steady, dependable, reliable, and that makes me comfortable. Being a Christian husband is far harder than being a husband in general. He has the responsibility of leading our family in a way that pleases God. I rely on Paul to lead our family. He appreciates my feedback and we discuss things. He is no dictator, but he truly has the final say. In our marriage it is God first, then Paul, then me, and then our children. That is not a popular chain of command but God created it and you know what? It actually works! I tried the other way and it goes left real quick! Not a fun way to live.
Since moving back to Indiana, we have had a lot of fun times, happy times, joyful times. We made new friends, found our HOME church, and witnessed the power of God move so many times. It is incredible the amount of spiritual growth we have all encountered in this season of our life. We have also had a lot of disappointments, grief over loved ones who passed on. We have had people let us down, turn their backs on us, and hurt us in ways they could never know. This can take a toll on us, especially my husband. He is often quiet about things he feels. He hates to see his wife or children hurting and especially when that pain came from another person. So he does his best to keep pointing us back to Jesus and I will be honest here, he has his work cut out for him on this one. Sometimes I just want to be like Peter when he cut off the soldier's ear in an effort to protect Jesus. Paul, like Jesus did in the garden, reminds me we do not war against flesh and blood. He is right.
We had hoped to have our own home by now. That has been the single one thing that we have battled the most. Trusting God's timing when our own calendar flips month after month and nothing happens that we can see, it is frustrating. Stress at work for Kadesia and for Paul and for myself can really add to that frustration. Sickness that won't leave Kadesia's body since June can literally take parents to the brink when we have done all the things and she still has fevers that are above 103 and a heart rate that scares physicians! This is real life and these things can take a toll. And who do I share these feelings with? I tell my husband. I need him. I need his prayers. I need him to hold me and reassure me that someday soon our lives will not feel so out of control and awful! But who holds Paul?
Of course we know God holds us all in the palm of His hands and that will never change. Remember the scripture in Romans 8:35-39 that reads, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For Thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, no powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
But in the natural, when we need a hug, or an outlet, a safe place to vent and yell and cry, where can Paul go? If he has to be the pillar in our family: strong, steadfast, and immovable, where can he go? He goes to God first and then he comes to me. He lets me knows what areas he feels weak in. He knows it's a safe place to tell me his insecurities. And it is my duty not only as his wife, but as a Christian, a servant of Jesus, to build my husband up. I am to encourage him and uplift him. I am to pray for him and empower him to continue to lead well.
Ladies, please, make that safe place available to your husbands. I have not always done this and there were times I did not do it well. But do not stop trying to be the help meet you were created to be for that man in your life. Instead of listening to other women complain about their husbands, we must honor ours. Instead of finding fault with the spiritual leaders of our homes, we need to show them respect and love and appreciation. The world will not do this for them. Other women can stroke their ego, but they will not do this for them. It is up to us, to be the women of God we are called to be. God handpicked us for these men to be the helper and friend and companion they need. Let us make a safe haven of rest for our husbands because they need it, too.
I have seen a woman spend a great deal of time on an elaborate meal for their family and then criticize everyone and everything the entire time. It was so bad at one point, my husband and I just looked at one another and exchanged disappointed glances. The atmosphere was uncomfortable to say the least. She continued to point out her husband's flaws and shortcomings and he was getting embarrassed and upset. We need to honor our husbands and lift them up every chance we get.
You may think, "Bridgett you don't know my husband. You don't know his bad habits and his attitude. How can I honor a man like that?" I understand it can be a challenge. I truly do. But, we are to love others more than ourselves. Pray for your husband to see where he is not lining up to God and ask God to work in his heart. But don't say amen and go on with your day. While you are having a conversation with God, ask Him to change your heart, too. Ask Him to show you how to be more loving, more kind, more respectful. Maybe the moment he walks through the door is not the best time to start unloading about your day. Ask how his day was. Talk to him and listen. Take the time to be present in the moment.
Friends we have to stop looking at everything through the lens of "How Does This Make Me Feel" and we need to prefer others above ourselves. Look to the needs of others. Read the book of Romans, chapter 12 and see how we should treat one another. We should never treat total strangers kinder than we do our own flesh and blood. We are the children of God and He told us to love one another and that is how the world will know we belong to Him.
1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-8a (4)Charity [love] suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, (5)Doth not behave itself unseemly [rudely], seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; (6)Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; (7)Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. (8a) Charity [love] never faileth:
1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-8a {ESV} (4)Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant (5)or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; (6)it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. (7)Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (8a)Love never fails.
The Bible is very clear what love is. We know God is love and these verses in 1 Corinthians tell us the character of God's love. It is the same way He wants us to operate in love when we engage with others including our spouses. So let's take a quiz. How patient and kind are we? Do we envy other women who we think have better husbands? Are we bragging on ourselves and become arrogant and prideful? Are we rude? Come on now ladies. You know some of this hurts! Do we insist on our own way? Why do we just assume our way is better? And even if his way is not better it can still be good. If it is not good, then can we please give grace and mercy for times our husbands fail? We all need room to make mistakes. It is how we become better. Are we irritable or resentful? A friend of mine would complain about how much work she had to do around the house but she did not want to confront the issue of no one helping. She had set the standard so high that her kids said, "If we did do something to help, it would not be right and she would just do it over anyway." We have to let others help us or we have no reason to resent that they are not helping. What do we rejoice in? Are we encouraging bad behaviors or are we rejoicing in the right choices they make? Or do we ever tell them how proud we are that they are making good choices for the family? We cannot tell them they are wrong and never praise them for being right. Would we want to be talked to like that? Love endures all things and never fails. God loves us like this and we want our husbands to love us like this. So, let's make an effort to love them back like this.
I have never met a happily married couple who said, "Our marriage is awesome and it takes 0% from us!" Paul and I have been married for 21 years and it's tough sometimes. It is hard! Life is hard and so is marriage. There is more responsibility, more accountability, more to navigate and work through, but I love Paul more now than I did 21 years ago. I love Paul more now when I see him on his face at the altar at church asking God how he can be more like Him! I love Paul more when I see him pray about something before he moves on it. It was not always like that. He is more in tune with God now and that translates to everything he does.
I thank God for my husband. I am so thankful that Paul and I made it when others said it would never last. I am thankful that God gave me a wonderful husband and I tell him a lot, but not as much as I should. What are you thankful for this THANKFUL THURSDAY?
God bless you!
~Bridgett Owens
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