When I was younger, not even sure how old I was, I found myself being ridiculed, hatred spewed from an adult’s mouth, and I was hit multiple times. Screaming in my face about how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything covered my face like a dark cloth. I collapsed to the floor, but refused to stop fighting back as I tried to defend myself. I would fall to the floor in a crumpled ball. Determined to prove my point I got back up. The adult began beating me with a belt and fists balled up. “If you get back up, you’ll get it again!” The threats were made good as I tried again to stand up for myself. God did not spare me that day. I wish that was an isolated case and not a routine part of my childhood. But I never blamed God.
Today I am an adult in my 40’s. For the last three years it feels like I continue to get knocked down and kicked. I try to stand up and just get beaten back down. My family and I have sacrificed so much for God. We have tried doing all the right things and we continue to lose. Others around us who could not care less about God get so many blessings and it seems like it is really unfair. Today I asked God why. I wanted to know why we have to suffer and get attacked every time we turn around. And I actually think He told me.
One person after another said that this great suffering is for a great testimony. We didn’t ask for a testimony. In the middle of the beating and in the middle of the pain, it just does not feel like a very good answer.
I do not understand ANYTHING God is doing in our lives. It feels like the very worst timing. Today I tried to remember a happy time and a good thing that happened so we could be encouraged. I even asked my daughter. She couldn’t remember one either. The past 3 years has been the hardest, scariest, most painful season of our lives.
So what am I thankful for? I am thankful for my husband who is so strong and courageous. I am thankful for my children who are kind and loving and they really want to have hope again. I am thankful they have faith because right now I do not know if I even have mustard seed faith.
Like the traumatic memory I shared earlier, I finally was weak and collapsed in a heap in the floor. Beaten into submission I laid in a ball, sobbing and so confused about why that person would not listen to me. And I feel that way now. I feel like we have no choice about what happens to us right now. We try to do what we believe is best and we suffer dearly for it. I wonder why isn’t God listening to us. I feel defeated and discouraged.
But Jesus asked God to let the bitter cup of suffering pass from Him in the garden. Jesus said nevertheless not My will but Thine be done. God said No! to Jesus. He had to do the hardest thing in the world. He had to suffer. Jesus asked God, “Why have You forsaken Me?” I feel like asking that, too.
But unlike Jesus, I have not been asking from a place of submission to His will. I have been asking because I can’t take the pain and suffering any longer. I can’t stand to not have stability or our own home any longer. I do not understand one single thing about this nightmare that never ends. It has actually gotten worse so far and the week isn’t even over.
I am not thankful for the hardness of this test. I am not thankful for God telling us no when we have a fundamental need that His Word says He will supply. I am grateful that He loves us. I am thankful that there are a lot of examples in the Bible that relate to what we are going through. I am grateful for Job, David, Daniel, Joseph, and Jesus who also endured much on this earth.
I am choosing to believe it will not always be like this. I really hope it changes soon. My body is filled with physical pain. My husband and our children are battling various physical issues and now another blow. I am thankful that I have my own little family to walk through the fire with. And I believe God is good and Sovereign and He sees much more than I can.
This is definitely an unusual Thankful Thursday and I am sorry if it is not encouraging or uplifting today. I know that life sometimes just feels really bad and that will never change on this side. But it’s important to not get it twisted. God loves us, all of His children. He never promised me a life without suffering, sacrifice, and submission. He said He would be there and fight for us. So I am thankful for that.
What about you? Are you thankful today? Are you struggling? Have you been wounded? Trust God to help you, even when you have no clue what He is doing. You may never know but just trust Him. His track record is perfect.
Psalm 23:4
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.
Do you know the next verse?
Psalm 23:5
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
I am waiting for that part.
~Bridgett Owens
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